A Tale of Three Cats

My sister has 3 cats, and over the years I feel I have gotten to know them. I am right now enjoying their company. By enjoying, I mean, contemplating various ways they might come out of a wood chipping machine. Feet first? Just some lips? Still whining? I don't know. If a cat always lands on its feet, and you run it through a chipper, will its paws come out first? Just 4 paws, flying out of the end of it.

Cat #1 - Sirius
We'll start with Sirius. He is a black cat, maybe 6 years old, and he has recently licked all the fur off of his crotch. I am not making this up. If you were to put him on his back and splay his legs, you would not see any fur. I just did this, and sure enough, with his legs fully splayed, not a lick of fur. Maybe he is just neat? Sirius is a fun loving cat. He likes to play with the other cats, chase cat toys, and as you walk by, reach out and claw you. He also torments Cat #2, the feral cat.


Cat #2 - Sushi
Sushi is feral. By feral, I do not mean, 'skittish around people,' or 'somewhat shy.' By feral, I mean that she would just as soon claw your face to ribbons and pee on the wounds as she would look at you. Of course, you will never know, as you do not look at Sushi. Doing so will result in great personal injury. I looked at Sushi once. I now have one real testicle, and a steely replacement. Sushi has another great quality. She can only eat her food in portions, otherwise she throws up. So, she is generally fed 13 portions of 3 kibbles each. And just to remind you of who is boss, she will sometimes stick her paw down her throat, and throw up anyway.


Cat #3 - Cayenne
Cayenne is the grand dame of the bunch. She marks her territory by barfing in various places. Her way of saying, "The corner of the laundry room, behind the dryer, next to the lint filter area, in this non-accessible cubbyhole is mine." She will actually projectile vomit into a crack in grout, just to mark areas behind walls and crawlspaces as "hers." Now, of all the cats, Cayenne has a peculiar habit, which will ultimately result in my lighting her on fire with a propane torch.


She drinks water all day. But she is not content to merely drink, she must scoot the bowl around the room. So for no reason, she will slide her water bowl across the fireplace tiles. This is fine, except or she does this all night. So at 3 in the morning, she will slide the bowl. The sound of the bowl sliding is mind-numbing.


Sound of bowl sliding


I have tried to counter this by throwing things like socks, balls of paper and battery acid at her, but it continues. It really is enough to drive you insane. Maybe before I leave, I can treat Conrad and Hilary to some authentic "Tacos de chat."