Jerusalem Cricket Part 2

Ok, let me start off by saying that I just lost 10 of the remaining 12 years I have of my life.

I was going to wash my riding gear, and put my sweet new nose guard on my goggles. So, I casually go to reach in my helmet bag, and this friggin monster is sitting right at the opening. You have got to be f'in kidding me. I swear I pissed my pants.


This is not what you want to see when you are reaching in a bag (Click image for full effect)

I then proceeded to smack the side of the helmet bag, to try and tip it off the side. What happened? It disappeared. F ME. I then launched that helmet bag about 80 yards into the back lawn. No sign of the hell-monster.

I walk back to the table, snatch my gear bag and fling it into the yard. I catch a quick glimpse of it. It scuttles under a fold in the tablecloth. I can actually hear the goddamn thing scuttling; literally pistoning its crab legs on the table.


This is what I was dealing with. This is pants soiling material here, folks. For those who care, they are called 'sun-spiders.' I guess 'Stephenkingsian Lobster Spawn Hellraiser 3 Scuttle Monster' was taken.

So I grabbed a log. Not a branch, not a piece of wood, but a log, and beat the hell out of the fold it was in. For 2 solid minutes, I beat the hell out of the whole damn table. I then used a 20 foot pole and lifted the fold, and there the thing was - dead, though I still waited for its jellied remains to start moving. I grabbed 2 long sticks, and using them as salad tongs, lifted it the hell out of there.

I can finally start breathing again.

*As for Jerusalem Cricket Part 1, I was working in the garage one time, and while kneeling on the floor, changing a tire, I reached for a tire iron, when one of these came walking towards me:



Hi! Don't mind me. Just scuttling along here, walking in the area where the floor meets the wall, just scuttling along in that little groove, just minding my own business, feet clicking on the ground, body dragging, pincers opening and closing as I just amble along. Whoa, did you just have an accident?

I have never moved so fast in my life, I literally did a half-roll crab walk at light speed out of the garage. I then grabbed a propane torch, and lit this hell-spawn on fire. I honestly kept waiting for its flaming body to come flying towards me, emitting a high-pitch shriek as it flew through the air.